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Evil Me:

-“Hello, Tom,” said Morticia, the Gothic Gryffindor, “I got the Demonylogie Malyfucktorum of Henchanse thee Unsatyfactory for my birthday. I wonder if you would be interested in reading it with me tonight?”

-“The Demonylogie…? I have wanted to read it for ages! It’s so forbidden it’s not even in the Forbidden Section. How did you get it?”

-“For my birthday, Tom, you just aren’t listening. Now, are you interested? ”

Tom’s eyes sparkle with desire.

-“Yes, of course… maybe you could lend it to me for a while…”

-“In your dreams, Tom. I haven’t read it yet. So, tonight in the Room of Requirement?”

Tom’s eyes are so bright with desire he positively illuminates the corridor, but Dumbledore is watching him. No way he can steal the book from Morticia. He will go to the Room of Requirement, Avada Kedavra the damned girl and lock her corpse in a cupboard. Except… how did she manage to get the darkest of dark books when he couldn’t?

That night Tom and Morticia read and practise the spells, or rather curses, from the evil book. Tom feels elated, mostly because he has seen the other books that Morticia carries in her bag. The Necrotelicomnicon and the Shemshameforash, no less. Where, where did she get those books?

-“Who gave you those books, Morticia?”

-“Great Uncle Tenebrus. He has a whole library filled with them. I can share them with you, if you like.”

Tom smiles his charming smile. He can kill Great Uncle Tenebrus.

-“Where does your great uncle live?”

-“Nobody knows, he is his own Secret Keeper. He didn’t want his library vandalised, so he hid his home. But he sends me his books. I wanted the Octavo, but he told me I was not ready for it yet.”

The Octavo! Tom feels quite frustrated. If he kills Morticia, he loses future dark magic books that no one else has. Even if he Cruciates Morticia, she will not be able to tell him the address of her Great Uncle Tenebrus. There seems to be no other option: he has to date her regularly.

They date week after week, practising arts so dark that they’re actually vantablack magic. Shortly before leaving Hogwarts, Morticia receives a much wanted book: Ye Tantric Booke of Sexe Magicke, and insists that they practise the ahem, different spells.

Tom reluctantly agrees, hoping that the next one will be the Octavo. He is ecstatic. Magic beyond words.

Morticia, however, is not impressed. There’s not much that she can do with so little. She elopes with the author of the book, a warlock called Gómez.

Tom lost the only girl, sorry, the only books he ever cared for, and to always remember Morticia, renamed himself Voldemort.

GNU Terry Pratchett.

Do you think the reason Snape waited for 5 hours to inform the Order that Harry went to the Ministry was because he wanted Harry Potter dead?

I’m not quite sure, you see. I’ll have to re-read the chapter and check the timeline, but I believe JKR’s watch wasn’t working.

Right, so. Here are the two timelines.

Harry’s timeline

“Potter, when I want nonsense shouted at me I shall give you a Babbling Beverage. Now, if you excuse me, it’s past five o’clock and I had someone coming for tea”.

Exit Severus.

“It’s hidden in Hagrid’s hut is it?” said Umbridge. “We’d better hurry, dinner is being served. It’s a quarter past seven already, how time flies!”

Exit Dolores, assorted Centaurs and Grawp, who wants HAGGER.

-“Anyway, Harry, how exactly were you planning to get all the way to London? The last train left half an hour ago, it’s nine o’clock”.

Enter Luna, Ron, Ginny and Neville. And six Thestrals. They can fly as fast as an Airbus320. It takes one hour and twenty minutes to fly from Glasgow to London Heathrow. They are spared the airport ride to the city, but Hogwarts isn’t Glasgow. Say two hours.

“Visitors, please take the badges and attach them to the front of your robes. The tour will last two hours. Please be sure to leave your badges at the reception desk when you leave at one AM”.

The six riders begin exploring. The Frankenstein room, full of brains. The Veil to the Dungeon Dimensions room next. Then Bluebeard’s room, that couldn’t be opened. Then the Prophecy room at last.

Enter Lucius and the gang.

“Very good, Potter. Now turn around, nice and slowly, and give that to me. We have been waiting for ages, it’s nearly two in the morning”.

Run for their lives, get hurt, run some more, lose their way. Get cornered in the Veil of Doom room.

Enter Remus, Sirius, Tonks, Moody and Kingsley.

“Harry, round up the others and go! It’s three am! You should have been in bed ages ago!”

Enter Dubbledore.

“Come on, you can do better than that!” Sirius yells.

Bellatrix stuns him and Sirius falls through the Veil. Time of death: half past three.

Why does Severus take so long to tell Sirius? More than five hours! Shocking!

Severus’ timeline.

He is getting late for his date, and he hates tepid tea. Aurora hates to wait.

-“I’m so sorry, my dear, but it seems that Umbridge caught Potter and his gang trying to use her floo net. And she had the cheek to ask me for some Veritaserum”.

-“You didn’t give it to her, of course?” said Aurora, pouring the tea.

-“Of course not. I’ll have to wait till the coast is clear to check if the damned Padfoot is staying put”.

-“What’s a Padfoot?”

-“Nevermind, a kind of poodle Harry has as a pet. Now, what’s that book you found at the Library?”

-“A Muggle one, but you wouldn’t believe the images it’s got. They’re not moving pictures, but all the same I knew you would be interested”.

-“Yeah… they don’t lack imagination, do they?”

-“We could try this one. The Afternoon Delight”.

Several highly satisfactory Afternoon Delights later, while they’re smoking a couple of cigarettes, Severus suddenly remembers he’d better check how the poodle is doing.

-“What’s the time, Aurora?”

Aurora watches the stars out of the window.

-“Half past one”.

-“Damn. Wait for me while I check Potter’s yapping poodle. I’ll be back in no time… I’d really want to try the Lotus Blossom”.

So that’s why it takes Severus so long to check on Sirius. He has more interesting things to do. Harry and his damned visions…

Harry has been wanting to question Severus for some time, but he had dropped the Ring in the middle of the forest, and is unable to find it. He finally decides to use a Niffler when Luna reminds him of their existence. He summons Severus from the afterlife.

-“Snape…”

-“Professor Snape to you, Potter.”

-“I thought that now that you’re dead it wouldn’t matter.”

-“You thought. And what a novel sensation would that have been for you, Potter. You thought wrong.”

-“But… Professor Snape… I just wanted to ask you… why were you so awful, if you loved my mother?”

Severus shrugged resignedly.

-“All right,” he said. “Fine. QED. No problem. I wanted to leave home, but not to spend the rest of my life living in a dungeon in the middle of a swamp with a bunch of meat-headed morons. It wasn’t as if I had anything important to do with my life, just some researching and travelling, that sort of thing. O-kay. You said you were able to think, Potter. Did you really love Granger?”

-“What has Hermione got to do with anything? She’s my friend.”

-“Precisely. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a rendez-vous in the afterlife with a true lady.”

-“You are going to see my mum?”

-“Your mother was many things, Potter, but true lady was not one of them. I took enough crap from Gryffindors while I was alive. Now, as your blessed mother once told me, I can choose my own way.”

-“I thought you had changed.”

-“Obviously, you were wrong.”

-“I thought you were the bravest man I ever knew!”

-“How nice of you. I distinctly remember you calling me a coward. Several times, if I recall correctly.”

-“I was wrong.”

-“You were wrong about so many things, Potter. Perhaps you should start counting them. It will keep you entertained. Meanwhile…”

A tall woman with long dark hair appears in the clearing.

-“I wondered what was taking you so long, Severus.”

Harry gapes at the apparition.

-“Are you… are you Rowena Ravenclaw? You were a ghost!”

-“Such ignorance. Have you not read Hogwarts: A History? My name is mentioned quite a few times.”

The intensity of her gaze made him blush.

-“Morgan le Fay, Harry Potter. Quite a few times is a vast understatement, my lady. You are the brightest witch of all ages.”

-“I cannot say it is a pleasure to meet a wizard that does not know my name. Severus, we should be going. I would not want to miss Ymp y Celyn’s performance. They say he is not elvish.”

-“Indeed, he’s not elvish at all, my lady. Let’s go.”

They vanish, leaving Harry quite confused. Which is not a novel sensation for Harry, either.

~~~THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD~~~

Chapter one:

Voldemort decides that the awful woman who refused to stand aside should get punished. Death is, of course, not enough. But the dead are unreachable… almost. The dead can be turned into zombies. Sorry, I mean Inferi.

Lily Potter, therefore, is dragged out of her tomb and Inferiused. After a few hours trying to figure out what to do, where she is and who she is, she kind of remembers Hogwarts. Magic is might, and Hogwarts is home to many magical creatures, dead and undead. And she wants revenge.

Chapter two:

Lily Potter resists bravely the urge to eat the brains of the assorted living beings she finds along her way. The assorted living beings, who aren’t as brave as Lily, sometimes walk away, sometimes run away, and in one particular case, stampede away. Somehow her striking green eyes and striking red hair now strike people and cows the wrong way.

Chapter three:

Lily Potter arrives at Hogwarts and enters the building. Dumbledore never imagined that Inferi would attempt to come near the castle, so he forgot to raise magical walls just in case. Those magical, invisible walls are for Muggles only. And Death Eaters, but Lily Potter had never been either.

Chapter four:

Lily Potter walks the corridors. Peeves flees. Mrs. Norris flees. The castle is empty, almost everyone’s gone home for Christmas. Trelawney remains in her tower; mission impossible. McGonagall’s study is empty; she’s gone to Hogsmeade with her colleagues. Remus is curled up in front of the fireplace, dreaming of collies. Severus, however, remains in his study: he has to correct both his pupils’ essays and Lupin’s pupils’ essays. Lily attacks. Someone must pay for someone else’s sins, but not hers.

-”Scrrrrrrrrrreeeeeech!”

Severus reacts:

Severus, however, is quite familiar with dark creatures. This thing is clearly not Mundungus in drag. This is the real thing, and he’s damned if he allows it to eat his brain.

When Lily is no more than charred bones and cinders, Severus calls the House elves.

-”Pinky, Nobby, please sweep this mess and wash the floor with Fairy liquid. I’ll finish reading this bloody long essay of Granger’s somewhere else. Ugh, what a stench. It smells just like Black spirit.”

~~~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~~~~

The Evil Witch

If you were Voldemort, how would you do things differently that Halloween night at Godric’s Hallow? You have the knowledge from the 7 Harry Potter books. You must prevent your death.

So I’m Lady Voldemorticia and I know it all.

Fine.

How do I get rid of those irksome mosquitoes?

1- blast the house (Confringo).

2- check for survivors (Accio survivors).

3- kill them (Avada kedavra).

Game over. I’m a bloody villain, what did you expect?

Now the important stuff.

  1. take a nap after a job well done in Lucius’ luxurius bedroom.
  2. kill Dobby after he brings me my morning tea.
  3. order team!Bella to kill Sirius first and Severus second. I regret it, Severus. Bellatrix, dearest, be imaginative and bring me their hair. No questions.
  4. read a bit on how werewolves and half-giants can be killed.
  5. get a weapon (Accio James Bond’s Beretta). Order Peter to shoot Remus with a silver bullet. Muggle technology has its uses, Peter, I know. Just obey.
  6. order Narcissa to bring Kreacher home, the woman can’t brew a proper cup of tea, and her cucumber sandwiches are terrible.
  7. what else, oh yes, someone kill young Regulus. McNair, stop playing with your wand and just do it. Bring me his hair.
  8. have you Imperiused the Minister yet, Lucius? What are you waiting for?
  9. have the Minister fire Dumbledore and declare him a traitor to all Wizardkind. Igor, tell your Minister that I’d be infinitely grateful if Dumbledore lands in Nurmengard.
  10. order Barty and Peter to kill Moody. Oh, and Barty, Imperius your father and order him to lift the ban on Turkish Flying Carpets. I can fly, but I like flying with style. You’ll be rewarded beyond imagining. Yes, you can kill your father afterwards.
  11. someone tell that woman to dress in black. She’s hurting my eyes with those pink outfits. Yeah, Travers, kill her if necessary.
  12. give the Goblins wands and the Sword of Gryffindor. If McGonagall protests, kill her. Those folk run the Bank impeccably, they should have a go at running the small council.
  13. Alecto, Amycus, Hogwarts is yours. For Morgan Le Fay’s sake, take that damned umbrella away from Hagrid. No, I still haven’t figured out how to kill the bastard. Keep him drunk.
  14. order Dolohov to blast the Weasley’s house. With everyone inside. No, I don’t want their hair, why would I want red hair?
  15. boring, boring, boring life.
  16. sex and drugs and rock and roll aren’t half that bad, mate.
  17. happy ever after in 12, Grimmauld Place. Winky lets another elf lend a hand. Barty stays at home and does his pretty face ‘cos in the evenings I Polyjuice him as I want. What did you think I wanted the pretty boys’ hair for?
  18. mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the darkest of them all?
  19. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY CERSEI LANNISTER?

Would Severus Snape, if he survived, continued to be a teacher?

Oh no of course he woudn’t.

He wasn’t that much interested in teaching, just in brewing potions and research, and had only accepted to be Headmaster to better protect the students from the Carrows, as Dumbledore had requested.

*****

Once the war was over, Severus and Aberforth, who was rather tired of endlessly listening to people praising his older brother, decided to start brewing new and exciting beverages for the Wizarding World, which was really behind the times. Butterbeer and mead, indeed. Severus could brew anything and Aberforth could sell everything.

What about Mugglepolitan, Margaery, Daiwitchry, Mudjito, Bloody Lily, Mai Fay, Castpirinha, White Durmstrang, Gin Wizz, Firewhisky Sour, Corpse Reviver, Green Island Iced Tea?

And, OhGod, the Draught of the Living Dead, the only known cure for all hangovers?

They were a sensation first in Hogsmeade, then in Magaluf. The Muggle-Wizarding British crowd who spend their holidays in Magaluf loved them. There is no need to hide from Muggles in Magaluf. Muggles wear even more bizarre clothes than Wizards in Magaluf. When they are dressed, which is not often. And they’re too high themselves to notice anyone flying. Seriously.

*****

Wildly successful and with a hoard of galleons, Aberforth and Severus are contentedly sipping Piña Coladas (just for research purposes, that goes without saying), when Severus decides to ask the most important question about Wizarding life, the universe and everything; the ultimate question that has never been answered.

“Abe, my f-friend”, says Sev, drinking his fourth Piña Colada, “we have been close f-for quite a time now. You know, you know, I can be trusted.”

“I know, shon.”

“I’m glad, bec… because I was wondering whether you would mind ah, answering the big question.”

“And what queshtion would that be? Something about my blesshed brother? He should have known better than to meddle with young boysh, I’ve told you a thoushand timesh.”

“No, actually… it’s… damn you, Abe… what was that inappropriate charm you performed on a goat?”

 

Certainly. I already did.

What would your role be, and how would it change the Harry Potter series if you were asked write yourself into the story as a new character? You cannot replace or fundamentally alter an existing role or story line.

SIX YEARS IN HELL

So here I am, eleven years old me.

First year: Gaw. That stupid old hat has sorted me into Gryffindor. It’s probably because I’m a mudblood. It’s not the House I wanted, I’d rather be brainy than brawny. Chivalry, how stupid. Am quite pissed off because dogs aren’t allowed. Why are those idiots allowed toads and rats and owls and I cannot bring my dog? A bunch of racists, that’s what those people are. All of them. I miss my dog.

Professor Quirrell stinks.

I don’t know exactly how but it seems we have cheated and won the House Cup. Strange. Everything was emerald green, now it’s blood red. That final countdown wasn’t so final after all.

Second year: Another boring year at Hogwarts. How I miss my dog. And electricity. And my walkman. Walkmans aren’t allowed either. There’s no music. Such stupid rules. I don’t like Quidditch at all, but Dean Thomas is funny. Professor Snape blasted that idiot Lockhart. Some people are getting some kind of disease and spend a lot of time in the Infirmary. I can’t say I miss Granger, though. She’s always trying to outshine everyone. So at least it’s peaceful.

Third year: I wanted to bring my guitar but guitars aren’t allowed. There was some commotion on the train but I was busy singing “I will survive” and didn’t notice much. I hope the batteries last; the walkman is camouflaged inside the DADA book. Professor Lupin taught us to shout Riddikulus! at a Boggart. How stupid. I got rid of the monsters under my bed when I was eight. I didn’t even need a wand, the fireplace poker was good enough.

-“Turn to page 394.”

-“Ohshitohshitohshit there’s no page 394… I cut that section out to hide my walkman.”

We’ve been taught by a werewolf the whole year. Really. They brought a werewolf to school, next year I can bring my dog. Yay!

Fourth year: They are just racist against dogs. I mean, we’ve had a werewolf, what’s the problem? Roger will have to remain at home. Life sucks. Professor Moody gets on my nerves. CONSTANT VIGILANCE. Professor Trelawney also sucks.There is weird contest going on; it sucks even more. Potter got into the contest even when he’s underage, don’t tell me the guy isn’t a teacher’s pet. Dean Thomas didn’t invite me to the Ball.

Life sucks.

Poor Cedric Diggory died last night. No one knows why, but now we have to be best friends with everyone. Good luck with that, we’ve been taught to hate each other from the day we joined.

Fifth year: Hid my walkman inside the History of Magic book. No one reads it but Granger. Yet another moron as DADA teacher. Looks like an spherical Pink Panther. Ugh. Potter and his gang are up to something. I can tell by the way they’re always chattering. Those guys mean trouble. At least no one has realised I spend my time with my earphones on. Well, not during Transfiguration. McGonagall would see them, she seems to see everything. I still don’t know whether she’s a female cat or a male cat. I can’t bring my dog to Hogwarts, but my tomcat Greebo would be thrilled to find her someplace dark.

Sixth year: I’m sick of this train. Why are we forced to go by train? There are airplanes. I could leave from Gatwick, and instead I have to go to Charing Cross then to King’s Cross then to Hogsmeade… how stupid. It seems that You-Know-Who is back, whoever he is. I don’t know what for, anyone with any sense would want to get out, not to get back.

Seventh year: Mudbloods are not allowed in Hogwarts anymore. I’m free!

Signed,

A chorus girl.

I kinda doubt they understand their own rules now. I don’t.
I must have royally pissed off someone. Poor delicate snowflake, she or he can’t accept any opinion that doesn’t match her own. Or his own, who knows.
Question:

I’m not, dearest anonymous.

Rowling has admitted that Ron and Hermione would have marriage problems and Harry and Hermione spend a lot of time together at work. Them ending up falling in love is definitely possible.

Answered Oct 21

Glorious.

There is no divorce in Wizarding UK. Once you are married, ninety-nine times out of one hundred to your school sweetheart, you are stuck with your school sweetheart till you die. Or your sweetheart dies.

So adultery it is; action in Harry’s office, at last. With his best friend’s wife. Who is also his sister in law.

Oh wow, worse than King’s Landing!

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Guys, go full Cersei Lannister with a goblet of poison. I mean potion.


As long as divorce laws do exist in MY world, I don’t give a damn if Mrs. Zabini had to resort to poison her seven husbands. What was her maiden name? Lucrezia Borgia?


Your answer was collapsed by Quora Moderation for violating a policy on Quora.

Why is a certain Harry Potter fan so worried about the absence of divorces in the wizarding world?


Which one, I have no idea.


Thank for your appeal, we restored your answer. 

Why is a certain Harry Potter fan so worried about the absence of divorces in the wizarding world?


Your answer violates our policies.

Why is a certain Harry Potter fan so worried about the absence of divorces in the wizarding world?


Sorry, but WTF?

Paranoid Quoran

Valeria Mesalina
Roleplay: Private Sally von Humpeding at Discworld

Do you mean me, certain anonymous?

I don’t give a damn about the sex life of imaginary characters.

I didn’t write the books, JKR did. Her world, her rules… Married couples stay faithful till death (or a well brewed Potion) do they part.

She doesn’t write sex, and I’m deeply grateful given the way she writes romance.

There’s this little detail, though: she decided to move Arthurian characters several hundred years forward in time so all of them went to her magical school.

And Arthurian characters weren’t faithful to their partners. Ginevra and Lancelot (true love), Yseult and Tristram (love potion), Arthur and Morgause (polyjuice). Even Gawain and the Green Knight’s wife played with the idea but didn’t go all the way. Oh, and the Green Knight knew very well what his wife was up to.

Not to mention that Uther Pendragon used transfiguration to sleep with Gorlois’ wife and also had him killed that very same night.

And Merlin… Merlin was a stalker.

Finally, she approved of Cursed Child. And Cursed Child did have adultery: Bellatrix Lestrange was a married woman.

So I don’t give a damn, and the author doesn’t give a damn either.


Your answer has been collapsed by Quora Moderation for violating a policy on Quora.


I need someone to show me the things in the Quora policy that I can’t find.
I can’t see the things that make true violation, I must be blind.


Your answer is getting upvotes. Add a relevant and specific credential to get more upvotes.


My answer hasn’t been uncollapsed by Quora Moderation and I get this message?


I say hey, what’s going on?

I try, oh my gods do I try, I try all the time in this institution.

How different would the Harry Potter series be if it was written by GRRM? 

– Dudleyerys Dursley would be gay, and he would definitely rape Harry, making his sorry childhood sorrier still. Maybe Uncle Vernon acts as voyeur in chief.

– Harry would definitely be a vengeful guy . The first thing he does when he finds out he is a wizard is kill the Dursleys. Dudleyerys suffers an awful death.

– The ministry sentences Harry to death when he says that Voldemort is back. Harry opts for trial by combat. Dumbledore represents him. No one wants to fight Dumbledore, so they rope in Gellert Grindelwald, who’s still a prisoner in the Black Cells. Dumbledore wins the duel. But he didn’t know that Fudge had given Grindelwald an extra wand – just in case. While Dumbledore walks towards Harry, his eyes twinkling, Grindelwald kills him with an Avada Kedavra from behind. He is pardoned and walks free. Harry manages to escape because of plot protection.

– Ron gets awfully jealous of Viktor Krum at the wedding feast. So Bill and Fleur’s wedding becomes the Red Wedding, and it ends with Ron chopping off Viktor’s head. The Hound, I mean the Grim, accidentally kills Harry. Hermione escapes and crosses the sea, swearing revenge.

– Sirius languishes in the dungeons of Riverrun, while Voldemort practises his skinchanger abilities at Harrenhal.

– Rivalry sparks off between House Malfoy and House Weasley over who is closer to Voldemort. Ginny, who enjoyed a sexual relation with Harry, in her anger, betrays the Weasleys. They are all killed. She marries Draco, and poisons him a week later with the Tears of Lys Love Potion. She declares that she’s pregnant with Draco’s son and names him Neville . Actually, he’s Harry’s bastard. Harry had managed to impregnate Ginny before dying. Neville doesn’t know this.

– Across the sea, Hermione marries Grindelwald (who is expanding his empire). Grindelwald dies in a mysterious accident, leaving Hermione a huge army, an Elder wand, and dragons. Hermione invades, seeking revenge.

– In the forbidden forest, centaurs, creatures who haven’t been sighted in a thousand years, are spotted. Winter is coming.

– Voldemort buckles under the two sided threat, and starts ordering random executions. The Malfoys are killed. Snape, who always loved Cissy, finds out Voldemort had raped her before killing her. The Half Blood Prince slays the Dark Lord while he is emptying his bowels and the wand is on the basin.

– Snape escapes, but chaos ensues. Through sheer wile, Ginny puts Neville on the throne. However, The Order of the Phoenix, Faith Militant, charges her with adultery. Ginny walks the walk of atonement. In revenge, she explodes 12, Grimmauld Place. Lupin, Sirius, Mad-Eye, Shacklebolt, McGonagall, Tonks, Hagrid die. Neville was away on war errands during this. He exiles his mother, but the damage is done. Without the order, he is very vulnerable indeed.

– Nymphadora Tonks releases Sirius from his cell after he promises her that he will find Remus, who is suspected to have joined a pack of wolves led by a very special she-wolf. She wants him back.

– Now we have Neville on one side, and Hermione’s deadly army on the other side. Hermione thinks she is the righteous queen, and she has dragons. But the people love Neville .

– In the Forbidden Forest, Harry attacks with Dementors from the North, after being resurrected by Professor Trelawney.

What happens next?

Bit tired of waiting for the last two books.

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