When she came to me she was so small that she fitted comfortably inside my hand. A light grey haired sweet baby. So small she was that she could not even eat from a plate. I held her like the baby she was, and bottle fed her. When she opened her eyes it was my eyes she saw. She slept with me from the first day, she would have died without a mother´s body warmth. I became her mother.
It was fun to teach her to eat smashed baby food with a teaspoon, it was fun to brush her long shiny gray hair. She was so sweet and so beautiful.
Of course I spoiled her, who wouldn´t. She woke me up in the mornings licking my nose and calling me softly. She knew when I was coming home, I don´t know how, I never thought possible that she understood what an eight hours shift was.
If I stayed out longer than I was supossed to she waited for me, and the longer I took to arrive home the angrier she became. She used to wait for me just behind the front door, and she made me a scene using the worst language she knew. When she was finished, she would turn her back on me and show me how she despised mothers who could not keep their promises.
She was terribly jealous of the time I spent reading and would sit on my books, on my jigsaw puzzles, and very much preferred my food to hers. She made a terrible mess when she ate spaghetti bolognese from my plate.
She was my daughter for twelve years.
One day I came home from work at seven in the morning and she was not waiting for me. I looked everywhere, I called her softly so I would not wake up the kids. She did not answer my calls. She was not at home. I opened the window and looked down with fear in my heart.
She was lying there, six floors below, a furry grey ball so still on the pavement.
I picked her up, looking into her beautiful eyes that no longer looked back at me. She was still warm but there was no life in her limp body. I could not even cry, my mind was numb and my heart was numb. I held her in my arms and kissed her brow and told her forgive me my love, forgive me my love.
I held her in my arms till her body grew cold, Then I laid her on a basket, with her toys, her blanket, my photo, her teddy, her brush and a piece of my heart.
I went to the garden and dug a hole as deep as I could and laid her there.
It does not matter where her body lies. She is alive in my heart and I miss her every single day of my life.
I love you, Dixie. Love does not die. I will love you for as long as I live. For keeps, my little furry baby.