She hath no loyal Knight and true, the lady of Shalott
I received the customary put down from the father of my children. I do not remember now when. One day ago, two days ago… it does not matter.
It began in the customary way. Shouts, shouts, shouts. I am a bad mother, I am a bad cook, I am a bad teacher, I am no good, I am a bad wife, I can´t do anything right, I can´t even keep a clean house, I am an alien and a bad influence for my daughters.
It did not end the customary way. The customary way is that I agree to everything and he is satisfied and leaves me alone.
This time one of the twins heard his shouts and came downstairs. She did not agree at all and began shouting back insults to his father.
And so his final statement changed: he decided to send me back to where I belong, to the old flat in the city. The city that horrified me from the moment I set my foot in it, the Grey Stone city, where the streets are paved with grey flat stones, the tall omnipresent churches are made from grey stones, the street lamps are made with grey stones and people´s hearts are grey stones.
I was being sent to be buried in grey stone. Alone.
I made myself a cup of tea and picked up my sleeping pills. One pill, one gulp, another pill, another gulp.
It was oh so easy. After the fourth pill the sharp edge of reality began to fade. I had to, what was it that it was so important just a minute ago? Who cared? When a dreamless everlasting sleep was there at hand.
I don´t know when the time or the day was when I woke up. I only knew that I was drowning and I had to leave. I put a pullover on and left. I started to walk and kept on walking. The direction did not matter. The only thing that mattered was putting some distance between the man sitting on the sofa watching the sports channels and drinking beer and myself. I took one step after another. One step after another, and another, and another, till I could no more recognize my surroundings.
But there is not really anywhere to go, is there?
I returned home with bleeding feet. Thirty miles is a long way to walk when one is wearing a pair of wellies. But I took one step after another though I did not have any strenght left for walking and kept going out of sheer will.
The man was still sitting on the sofa watching the sports channel. He had not even cooked a meal for the kids. If I had given up my responsibilities, why should he care?
I made lunch. I cleared the table and I put the washing machine on.
I will go on living. If this is living.
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