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Archive for March, 2009

Australia

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor. __________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( U S A )

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to S ydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( U S A )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( U S A )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( U S A )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .
oh forget it. S ure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in S ydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal
.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( U S A )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( U S A )

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( U S A )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( U S A )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( U S A )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

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I love cats

And he is one of the loveliest cats ever to meooooow on Earth.

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Buterfly

I like spring more than summer, more than winter, more than autumn. I like to see how life returns to the Earth.

Winter is so long. The nude branches, the grey skies, the brown earth, the endless rain.

And then, suddenly, one day is spring.

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How I hate sitting in the witness box. The stupid, misleading, impossible to answer questions.  Answer “yes” or “no”. Truth and justice are hidden, overlooked, ignored, twisted.

And it´s the innocent who pays the price.

There are questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”. And the “where were you on Monday, 13th September 1999 at half past four in the afternoon?”. No one remembers that, unless it was their wedding day.

“Is your name Alexandra Cohen, and do you live in number 8, Green Valley, Pineforest?”

That´s an easy one. “Yes”.

“Are you a close friend of the defendant, George Castairs?”

That´s a tricky one. If I say “yes”, the truth will become worthless, unbelievable, superfluous. The truth will be twisted, broken and buried under meaningless words. And those words will be used to crucify the defendant.

George and I,  lying on my bed, crying and wailing over loneliness and lost love. George, driving with me sitting beside him, while I phoned his lover from my untraceable mobile. George and I, sharing a hotel room for a week while we fought to understand how to plan loadsheets. “Alex, do you remember what´s the zero fuel weight for a seven-forty-seven?” “Oh, my! Did we have a seven forty seven?” George, arriving home with giant boxes full of delicatessen and presents for me and the kids.  George, just arrived from Beijing, opening his suitcase on the terminal floor, clothes and shoes and toothpaste flying about “I bought this for you, it´s here somewhere. It´s just like you. Beautiful”. George and I, planning the most absurd and illogical revenges against our ex-lovers, laughing and drinking and agreeing that it is impossible to understand men. “Come on, George. If you can´t understand men, how can I?”. George, whose laptop I am using now.

I looked right into the barrister´s eyes.

“No, I am not a close friend of the defendant. He´s a workmate”.

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 Salem is five years old and still looks and behaves like a kitten.  She is really small, though her dad was the biggest and most attractive tomcat in the neighbourhood, and her mother was as big as her dad was.

This is one of her tricks. Needless to say, the kids and myself love to watch her drinking from the tap. The sight sends shivers through the father of my kids´ spine. He usually breaks into the kitchen souting UNHYGIENIC!!!

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There are several species of dejà  vus – according to me. There are those songs, those words, those jokes that, all of a sudden and for no apparent reason,  seem to follow me wherever I go.

I had not remembered Waltzing Matilda for years and years.

Last week  my sister mentioned that she has the WM melody as a ringtone. Then a friend sent me a link to the song and the lyrics. Then  my mate chastised me for liking a song about suicide. Then my daughter downloaded it because she chose to study Australia instead of the U.S.  for her Geography workshop. Then a colleague sent me a powerpoint about Australia Day, and of course the background music was Waltzing Matilda.

And, finally:

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. ‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’

‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.

‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.

‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’ ‘? The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’ The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’

‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’

The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’

The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’

‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’

‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’

‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’

‘It’s Andy.’

‘Andy??’

‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’

‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.’

And the blonde entered Heaven…

What’s worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!

YOU BET I AM!!!

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