Evil Me:
-“Hello, Tom,” said Morticia, the Gothic Gryffindor, “I got the Demonylogie Malyfucktorum of Henchanse thee Unsatyfactory for my birthday. I wonder if you would be interested in reading it with me tonight?”
-“The Demonylogie…? I have wanted to read it for ages! It’s so forbidden it’s not even in the Forbidden Section. How did you get it?”
-“For my birthday, Tom, you just aren’t listening. Now, are you interested? ”
Tom’s eyes sparkle with desire.
-“Yes, of course… maybe you could lend it to me for a while…”
-“In your dreams, Tom. I haven’t read it yet. So, tonight in the Room of Requirement?”
Tom’s eyes are so bright with desire he positively illuminates the corridor, but Dumbledore is watching him. No way he can steal the book from Morticia. He will go to the Room of Requirement, Avada Kedavra the damned girl and lock her corpse in a cupboard. Except… how did she manage to get the darkest of dark books when he couldn’t?
That night Tom and Morticia read and practise the spells, or rather curses, from the evil book. Tom feels elated, mostly because he has seen the other books that Morticia carries in her bag. The Necrotelicomnicon and the Shemshameforash, no less. Where, where did she get those books?
-“Who gave you those books, Morticia?”
-“Great Uncle Tenebrus. He has a whole library filled with them. I can share them with you, if you like.”
Tom smiles his charming smile. He can kill Great Uncle Tenebrus.
-“Where does your great uncle live?”
-“Nobody knows, he is his own Secret Keeper. He didn’t want his library vandalised, so he hid his home. But he sends me his books. I wanted the Octavo, but he told me I was not ready for it yet.”
The Octavo! Tom feels quite frustrated. If he kills Morticia, he loses future dark magic books that no one else has. Even if he Cruciates Morticia, she will not be able to tell him the address of her Great Uncle Tenebrus. There seems to be no other option: he has to date her regularly.
They date week after week, practising arts so dark that they’re actually vantablack magic. Shortly before leaving Hogwarts, Morticia receives a much wanted book: Ye Tantric Booke of Sexe Magicke, and insists that they practise the ahem, different spells.
Tom reluctantly agrees, hoping that the next one will be the Octavo. He is ecstatic. Magic beyond words.
Morticia, however, is not impressed. There’s not much that she can do with so little. She elopes with the author of the book, a warlock called Gómez.
Tom lost the only girl, sorry, the only books he ever cared for, and to always remember Morticia, renamed himself Voldemort.
GNU Terry Pratchett.